Love is too bitter for me. 

For the past 3 years, I've always questioned my love for him. Til this day I finally realized, if I've been questioning so much, then it wasn't really love in the first place. I loved him only after he left. I never loved him when he was by my side.

I guess, I loved his comfort. I loved his understanding. I loved his caring, and his protection. Mostly, I loved his forgiveness. I loved how I can make as much mistake as possible, and still be able to run back to him, knowing he'll somehow understand it, and forgive me. 

I guess I lacked these qualities in my life from my surroundings. That's why when someone with these qualities I craved and needed - I automatically thought it was love. But no, it was just my sick mind. It was a way for me too feed my mine, and tell myself - everything is going to be alright.

I never liked his attitude. I never liked his family. 

He can't stand up for himself, or for me. He can't protect me from harmful words, he can only make me sense his protection.  

For all these years, I thought was loved has harmed me in so many ways. It has literally destroyed who I was was. 

This is not love.