Love is too bitter for me. 

For the past 3 years, I've always questioned my love for him. Til this day I finally realized, if I've been questioning so much, then it wasn't really love in the first place. I loved him only after he left. I never loved him when he was by my side.

I guess, I loved his comfort. I loved his understanding. I loved his caring, and his protection. Mostly, I loved his forgiveness. I loved how I can make as much mistake as possible, and still be able to run back to him, knowing he'll somehow understand it, and forgive me. 

I guess I lacked these qualities in my life from my surroundings. That's why when someone with these qualities I craved and needed - I automatically thought it was love. But no, it was just my sick mind. It was a way for me too feed my mine, and tell myself - everything is going to be alright.

I never liked his attitude. I never liked his family. 

He can't stand up for himself, or for me. He can't protect me from harmful words, he can only make me sense his protection.  

For all these years, I thought was loved has harmed me in so many ways. It has literally destroyed who I was was. 

This is not love. 

friends

Today is my friend's 15th birthday, I was planning on baking him a cake. Instead, he got mad and told me not to waste my time. I just finished making the cake's box .. no need for that anymore. He also stopped talking to me.

Today is also another friend of mine's 17th birthday. I also want to make him a cake, but has no idea where he lives, or how to give it to him. He smiled, and said 'it's the thought that counts'.


I'm now pissed off.

Words

Words hurt more than actions. Words are the things that seem to have to power to destroy every inch of my survival. Yet, somehow it's my source for motivation.

Am I just another regret? Another piece to go into your collection of mistakes? 

strangers

"You see a random stranger that catches your attention somewhere out in public. You and that person exchange a few glances, but then end up not introducing yourself to each other. There are strangers that I sometimes see, and after they're out of my sight forever, I think of all the possibilities I could have had with them if I were to actually introduce myself for once. "

Secret

I personally made this blog for myself, I never thought it would get any comments or views .. but it did. I'm not uncomfortable about it, but I do feel defeated. What if my friends trace my email and then this blog suddenly pops up on google?

I would like my life to be a secret. A secret from them. I would love it if they knew very little of the things I did when I'm alone in my own world.  I feel as if I am too predictable.

I'm also upset by the fact that one of my really good friend, asked my best friend if he was willing to tell her my secrets. That's very upsetting ... to me.

Proud ^_^

Well, in the beginning of the year me and this guy had a 'thing'. I was basically the mistress in his relationship with his girlfriend, who is also a former friend of mine. It was the roughest 4 months of my life. It was horrible, I felt horrible. Never again will I be apart of one's relationship.

After I push away those two horrible friends of mine and him, he began to come back. This time it was worse, he was more demanding, and too straightforward. But, as soon as I turned him off - my work was done, and I logged off. He still doesn't get the point, this time .. I'm in control.

Screw you, go away.

Move onto the next, sweetie.

Gosh, I have to retype this post. I swear I was already signed onto blogspot. Anyways ...

Lately I've been thinking about weather or not to give this guy a chance. I've run away from him numerous of times, but he just keeps chasing after me. He doesn't have the qualities I look for in a significant others. He doesn't get my jokes, and doesn't approve of my behaviors.

I'm flattered that he thinks I'm appealing, but I would actually like to be with someone who's afraid to be straight forward with me because their 'shy'. This guy is just too straight forward, and conceited. Well, he thinks highly of himself. Why would I give you a kiss? I don't even know you. Um ..

After weeks of not hearing from him, his number came up on my phone. This time, he tried to be cool. Okay, BYE. I'm sorry but I can't be with someone who immediately turns me off.

Lesson: Always keep your guard up

He tells me he knows, yet I still doubt his ability to look at her through my eyes. Everyone tells him she's not right for him, but he chooses to disbelieve. It's been almost 3 years of false hopes, doubts, and sincerity.

She grew up from a superior family, always looking down on everyone. Gossiping about nonsense, and judgmental illness. She tells me her family isn't like the norm, they won't love her unless she pleases them. I thought bull shit. She had the better house, the better grades, and in her opinion the better 'personality'. In her mind she was that 'one in a million'. She was the prettiest of her race, and the smartest in her circle of friends. She wasn't afraid to be called conceited, she thought it was jealousy from others. Believe me, the only thing I'm jealous of .. is her ability to manipulate others, otherwise - there was noting to be jealous of.

He grew up from the more hard working family. Counting eggs making sure no food was wasted, because it was too precious. He fell in love with her. Why? She was the only and first girl who took her time to send him a message on IM. He never believed anything anyone had said about her, because in his mind ... she was perfection.

I warned him about her for a year, he even know who she was, but chooses to push that aside. He always thought maybe he could 'change her'. In reality that means he'll change himself so she'll like him.

Me and him became the best of friend, I would tell him everything - but when I started to put my guard down, I could sense discomfort in my skin. He stopped saying a word to me, and focused more on her. When she wasn't there, I comfort him. Now she's here .. where am I?

I'm upset that he would stop and choose her in a heart beat, before me .. his friend. My guard has become twice as strong because of him. The things he might tell her, the things .. my secrets.


Good bye old friend, hello lesson.